Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
|
|
4:10 pm
|
the summer has begun and with it so many things i should be doing. there are people i need to see, people i need to talk to, things i need to fix. i guess i just am too big a procrastinator to know where to start or even to make a list to help me. ill get there somehow i know it. im sorry for being lame.
current music: the beatles...rocky racoon
|
|
|
|
Monday, April 24th, 2006
|
|
1:28 am
|
i havent forgotten about you. it's just that a thousand and one papers are strewn about around me but you know that is the only way in which i feel any sort of organization. i chose it to be that way, therefore, it makes sense to me. get it? the battery in my phone is gone. i cant make calls and i feel disconnected from anything that is either not within the four walls of this library or is not within the invisible barrier that divides ithaca from the rest of the country. oh the little bubbles we make for ourselves. i wonder what it will be like to live at home again for such a long period of time. i want things back. i want people back. i want certain moments back and that is an impossibility i cannot dwell on for too long. i just look forward to when this week will be over. when these papers will no longer be strewn about me in this un/organized fashion, when i get 8 hours of sleep or more a night, when i dont think about what i have or have not done, and when i can sit in the california sun and say im home. what keeps coming back to me is being in high school and theater and driving my car around los angeles and sitting in friend's houses for long periods of time with no aim but to be together. now, my brother has a license and my car, my first year of college has almost ended, and i have decided the theater kids here annoy me too much to stand an audition that will decide if i get to be one of them next year. ive changed a lot i guess. but not in all ways. because all i still want is to come home and sit in my house and the houses of my friends with no aim but to be together.
ready?
9 days.
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
|
|
1:05 am
|
|
|
Saturday, April 8th, 2006
|
|
5:18 pm
|
|
the aim of every artist is to arrest motion, which is life…and hold it fixed so that 100 years later, when a stranger looks at it, it moves again.
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
|
|
10:51 pm
|
here is a scale. weigh it out and you will find, easily, more than sufficient doubt
that these colors you see were picked in advance by some careful hand with an
absolute concept of beauty. they are smeared and these blurs come in random
order and they color the eyes of your former lovers. hers were green like july
except when she cried they were red. now i know a disease that these doctors
can't treat. you contract on the day you accept all you see is a mirror and a
mirror is all it can be. a reflection of something we're missing. a language just
happened, it was never planned, and it's inadequate to describe where i am in
the room of my house where the light has never been waiting for this day to end.
and these clocks keep unwinding and completely ignore everything that we hate
or adore. once the page of a calendar is turned it's no more. so tell me then,
what was it for? oh tell me, what was it for?
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
|
|
12:17 am - riot van
|
i am who i am. i can never apologize for that although sometimes i want to say things should have gone another way.
i fight myself constantly but im beginning to learn that i cant control some things. im better for all if it, because of it, and in spite of it.
sometimes it just feels good to cry for no reason.
not because im sad.
because i fit. or something like that.
and life does this to you.
this insanity
and
all that is inexplicable
and
all that is...
life.
|
|
|
|
Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
|
|
5:44 pm
|
im an emotional wreck.
i cant keep things together apparently and my roommate is willing to deliberately hurt me. there were apologies that were exchanged but i have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that it is still occuring. she was so upset about me telling her i wasnt going to room with her next year that she has set herself on a mission to fuck up the things in my life that she knows i like. friday night is long gone and over but i am still feeling the effects, like a really horrendous hangover. only its hurts so badly. and im obsessing all the time about it. i just cant get over her being so cold hearted. and she's gone a little bit crazy. she suddenly is wanting to take over the guy she knows im into. its like a disease that is ravaging her brain. she cant see straight. she doesnt know love or like or a good relationship if it hit her in the face, yet she sits there and pretends like it was amazing. what exactly? so now the boy she told me she thought was weird when i told her i like him, she secretly is in love with? there are two reasons for this: 1)she wants what i want just to get back at me all while pretending thats not whats happening.
2)she has such issues with commitment and love and everything that she doesnt know how to act normally.
it was never ever ever my fault that she picked a shitty bf, so it gives her very little reason to go for the guy i like and excuse it by saying its because you like feeling that way.
dont pretend im as stupid as you are.
fuck you.
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
|
|
9:09 am
|
its done.
i could barely get to sleep last night.
current music: red hot chili peppers- breaking the girl
|
|
|
|
Monday, March 13th, 2006
|
|
9:22 pm
|
how do you even start the conversation with your roommate that you dont want to live with her next year? that you are going to live with someone else. okay thanks, nice knowing you? i still want to be friends with her. i feel so bad.
i was reading my journal from the beginning of this year and i wrote that she was a nice girl but the only reason we were friends was because she was my roommate.
i hate this shit.
and the worst part is, she probably wont say a thing. she'll be so upset. but she'll keep it all in.
i would rather she scream and hate me. it would make it so much easier.
current music: pixies- river euphrates
|
|
|
|
Monday, March 6th, 2006
|
|
3:43 pm
|
yeah so what up to shitty music winning academy awards.
and what up to shitty crash beating out brokeback mountain.
way to go. assholes.
|
|
|
|
Monday, February 27th, 2006
|
|
11:07 pm - ive made some resolutions and its not even the new year.
|
im in a precarious place right now but i dont really get it. simply put, i have met these amazing people. they are the people i want to spend time with, people i desperately want to stay friends with. and thats what scares me. im scared of losing them. is that crazy? maybe i have just been waiting for this to happen here at ithaca for a while and now it is occuring and i just dont want to lose it. i feel like im falling head first and im terrified that it will all go to shit. and this weekend, i have been taking things really slowly and while im feeling somewhat impatient, i also feel exhiliarated. its like this build up. its exciting and i think its good, but i dont know how complicated it really is. its like im in a bubble and i dont know what is going on outside it.
wow. i need to figure out if this is just me. what if im just making up the other side?
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
|
|
10:31 pm
|
im full of cliches today i could puke.
i was just telling my roommate last night that its seems like things happen for a reason. if eddie hadnt left last semester, and if my roommate hadnt been gone for the past 2 weekends in a row, i wouldnt have met the amazing people that i have recently who have renewed my faith in not only myself, but also in how much fun i forgot i could have, what could conversation i could have, how much i could laugh, and how much i could like people based on their spirit and not because i was forcing myself to. it has renewed my faith in this school and that this is where i belong.
eddie and i hadnt spoken to eachother in so long and i was telling my roommate that it was probably a good thing that he left and its good that we arent so dependent on eachother. i was saying it with relief and resolve. i had accepted it and wasn't bummed out or upset about it. 10 minutes later he calls me for the first time in 3 weeks. it was the most comfortable conversation i have ever had with him because i no longer felt the need to impress. tonight, he tells me he is visiting me for absolutely no reason in 3 weeks........wait, what? ridiculous.
|
|
|
|
Monday, February 20th, 2006
|
|
1:06 am
|
"Tess. Don't go down that road. Just trust me."
"He has that effect on everyone."
these are the words of a tragedy in the making.
and im not gonna listen. what a fucking fool i have become.
just a few more steps in the apparent wrong direction and ill be right where i want to be.
|
|
|
|
Friday, February 17th, 2006
|
|
1:10 am
|
|
i no longer make clock wishes. its been 14 years since my parents have gotten divorced and for the first time in a long time, i cried really hard at that fact. maybe its me growing up. and you know what, sometimes its startling and fucking hurts.
|
|
|
|
Monday, February 13th, 2006
|
|
1:57 am
|
i found out this weekend that my stepmom has lupus.
she already has rheumatoid arthritis.
i dont think it hit me until just now. and i dont know what to be.
im really scared for her.
current music: flaming lips...are you a hypnotist?
|
|
|
|
Saturday, February 11th, 2006
|
|
12:24 am
|
friday nights alone in my room are lonely. and so lame. this sucks.
why do i feel like nothing amounts to back home?
i keep waiting.
i AM happy here.
just not expected.
|
|
|
|
Friday, February 10th, 2006
|
|
9:40 am
|
you guys should see it.
the snow. i mean its pretty incredible. everything is just in a blanket of white.
but it does make me miss home. a lot. even though i hear that it is 80 degrees or something awful like that.
current music: arcade fire
|
|
|
|
Sunday, February 5th, 2006
|
|
11:20 pm
|
im sitting here listening to my ipod to attempt to cover up the sounds of my roommate talking to her boyfriend about what a dick he always is. it is completely awkward and i almost cant stand it. maybe i should get up and leave. but i have work to do. like this 5 page paper on fear for my sociology class...but i am too susceptible to distractions. like the pile of laundry sitting on my bed. or painting my nails. rearranging my room. i wish i could stop. my mind is racing at a hundred miles an hour because procrastination has caught up with me tonight. same story. goddamn it.
my life is so weird now that one of my best friends has left the school. we did everything together and its like, we didnt even spend enough time together at the beginning for me to be able to say "well at least we got that much time together." im sad and sometimes i go through days when i dont think about it but other times ill do something or see something funny and it will remind me and i just feel an emptiness. not depression. because i love my roommate and dont know what i would do without her. but i hate feeling so dependent on someone because i havent gotten completely used to not having him here. its almost like a form of selfishness. i miss having someone to depend on ME. to constantly look to me for spending time with and being insperable. it hurts.
i just wish i could forget about how much he meant to me.
seriously. im tired.
but at the same time i dont want to.
current music: elliott smith...waltz no.2
|
|
|
|
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
|
|
12:50 am - yes its the truth
|
when i have a 4 page essay due tomorrow, ive started cleaning because it helps me feel i have control over something.
current music: blonde redhead- maddening cloud
|
|
|
|
Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
|
|
11:57 pm
|
"there can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love."
-Martin Luther King Jr.
current music: metric- calculation theme
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
laughingeyes's journal